Fuck the audience
9 Apr
In the very short time I’ve been doing stand up I’ve seen more than one comic who is bitter, almost angry at the audience. And I never really understood it, until last night.
I was about 30 seconds into a set when someone’s cell phone rang. And rang, and rang. Someone had left their cell phone on the table and walked out of the room. Rude doesn’t cover this behavior. Rude is talking to the person next to you during a set. Rude shouting out whatever dumb fuck comment you think is so preciously funny that you need to share it with everyone in the room.
There isn’t a word or phrase in the English language that covers what happened during my set. “Horsefucked in the shitpussy” comes close but doesn’t do it justice. Because that’s the exact moment I died on stage. The only thing I could focus on up there was the ringing phone. I forgot my next line, I forgot where the bit was going, I forgot what fucking bit I was doing.
At first I tried to stammer out an apology about how the phone had broken my concentration but the fucking thing rang through that. At the end of the apology I was still standing there with the mic in my hand like limp dick, sweating and staring into the goddamn stage lights, while someone’s ring tone killed me.
Finally I snapped out a “can we turn that fucking thing off?” But the illusion was broken. Any hint that I was funny or in control was gone. A comic and an audience feed off each other and it was pretty clear that the only thing radiating off me was waves of hate and embarrassment. And the only thing that I was getting back was pity.
It would have been better if I had acknowledged what happened. There’s no pretense on stage, the audience knows if you’re full of shit. And if I was more experienced I probably would have been able to step back, laugh at what happened and regain control. Instead I meekly squeaked out three awful minutes.
I know that this probably seems like a minor incident, but I don’t think it is. For me, it ruined my night and shook me pretty badly. I got off stage angry at the audience for being shitheads and angry at myself for not handling the incident better. Beyond that, it shook my confidence. I know it’s an isolated incident and I know what kind of response my material gets from audiences so I should just be able to move past it but it’s not that easy. If you thinking writing on the internet is hard with the haters and the trolls waiting to blast you no matter what you do, trying standing in front of an audience who is silently judging every world that comes out of your mouth and every gesture you make. I’ll take the anonymous trolls and haters any day of the week.
This isn’t just about me though. It ruins the night for the audience. Every time I get on stage I try my best to give them a really good show. I want them to enjoy themselves and if one person throws me off my game, the audience is now sitting through five minutes of shitty, uncomfortable material.
I’ve been in the audience when there’s been really loud, obnoxious hecklers. I’m not sure who they think they’re helping or impressing but I’ll tell you, it doesn’t do anything but ruin the show for everyone who has paid money to be there. When someone is heckling no one is comfortable, no one is enjoying it. It’s just a waste for everyone except the one jerk-off who thinks that the world owes him something.
Postscript: I went out Thursday even though I wanted to crawl in a hole and quit forever. And before I got on stage I was so anxious I almost took my name off the list of performers for the night. But I forced myself to get up and I had a great show. Comedy may be fun but it’s never easy.
Confidence can take years to build up, but it only takes a second to crush. It’s funny like that.
On a more positive note, I’m glad to hear that you enjoy what you’re doing and that it’s going well for you. How much longer until we see the “Comedy Central Presents: Ben Corman” DVD?
What an eloquent description.
I’ve been performing stand up for about a month. I agree that it’s a good idea to acknowledge the situation, whether it be the microphone cord falling out, a heckle, a loud noise etc. If you stick to the script you lose your connection with the audience.
Great job, and well done for getting back up there so soon.
I’m sure someone’s phone will ring during one of your sets again.
Once I saw a comic demand a ringing cell phone from an audience member, and when he came in possession of it, still ringing, he put the phone down his pants and rubbed it on his balls.
The audience loved it.
I’m sure he didn’t have that reaction the first time a cell phone started ringing. What I’m saying is, so now you know and you’ll get better. Glad you made it back out the following Thursday. Keep going.
Dude, you need to improv your way around these things. Even if there is a FIRE GOING ON IN THE ROOM, you must hold their attention with your comedic gold. This is just an excuse for not being able to handle the pressure. Yes, it’s a nuisance, but that a mere phone call can tear you down like that should be sobering. Decide if this is what you want.
@TonyD — I’ve been doing comedy for like 3 months. The whole reason I spend my whole week going to open mics is to learn to deal with exactly these types of issues. I’m not making excuses but I’m not a professional either. I’m still learning.
@Josh — Thanks for the vote of confidence. It’s going to be a while for the DVD. I’m still working out my first 15 minutes. But some day you’ll flip on the TV and think “I recognize that ugly bastard. I think he has a very unsuccessful blog.”
Haha, nice anecdote. I pretty much assume something will go horribly wrong (other than my jokes) every time I get on stage… it’s actually a fun game to play, “how will my set get derailed today?”
To deal with all this stuff, what I’ve been taught and try to follow is, “anytime there’s a sound or situation that everyone notices, you have to acknowledge it.” (There’s situations where you might be able to hear something going on in a room behind you, but nobody else can, so you just ignore that.)
Anytime a phone rings, you should address it right away. Even if it’s just “your phone is ringing…” Then, if it keeps ringing (which doesn’t happen that often, lucky you) you can keep playing on it… “I guess that’s the clinic calling” “Nice ring tone” “There’s no way you’re this popular” blah blah blah… and of course it’s easier to think about this after the fact than during… welcome to learning by painful trial and error… This is why I love comedy, where else could I have learned the lesson “if you’re doing a set at a bar show, and someone decides to sing happy birthday into your mic, andyou’re able to hold on to your mic but they grab a different mic, then you have to start singing happy birthday, jokes be dammed.”
Also, on your reply to Josh, “I’m still working out my first 15 minutes” I recommend having a solid 5 first, then a solid 10, then worrying about a solid 15. (This doesn’t mean don’t keep writing new stuff, but it does mean try to really make sure you have five really good minutes before you have 15 mediocre ones…so basically spend 80% of your time on the first five minutes and the rest of your time on other jokes…)