2009 Christmas Letter

I know, I know. I’m late again with the annual Christmas Letter. And not only am I late but this year I didn’t even write the damn thing. This year I’m recycling a letter that comes from my aunt. My mom’s side of the family is Jewish and as such doesn’t celebrate Christmas but my aunt still likes to update the family with what’s been happening in her life. Normally my mom is good enough to just trash these because my aunt is crazy but this year the letter happens to feature me. And so I wanted to share it with all of you. My comments, where necessary, appear in [italics]

Another year gone by and what a blessed year it has been. At first it was a challenge to have Matt [her husband] out of work but we always look for the silver lining in any cloud. This year it was our wonderful road trip that allowed to us to see so many of you.

In addition, we’ve been able to continue our process [couple’s therapy] and I’ve kept Matt busy with all the projects that he’s put off for so many years. That awful yard has been cleared and cleaned and the garage has finally been painted. Now I truly feel like we deserve to live on the same block as Susie Miller and her wonderful husband Edward.

[Susan Miller is a woman in her late fifties who did some modeling like thirty years ago. My aunt is obsessed with her and has been trying to be her BFF for years. The really creepy part is that my aunt has every magazine and photo shoot Susan ever did and she’s more than happy to show them to guests when they come over, sort of like how you’d brag about pictures of your children. What’s worse, the Millers moved to Florida last year.]

I’m happy to report that Snowball [the dog] is recovering speedily. For those of you who don’t know, poor Snowball ate a roll of quarters that someone had left on the living room floor. At first I insisted on surgery as I don’t know what I would do without my best friend but Snowball’s doctor advised me let nature run its course. He was right. And in the interest of being green, I’ve recovered almost nine dollars from the back yard. This year we’re doing our part for the planet.

But the highlight of the year was spending Thanksgiving in Philadelphia with Marilyn [my mom] and her family. I was surprised and tickled to death to see Ben [me]. We used to be so close and he always had time to help with the groceries or with the chores, but in recent years we haven’t seen him once.

[Let me explain. When I was in high school my uncle worked nights. So during the summer a few friends and I would ride over to my aunt’s house to drink beer and smoke pot in the back yard while she watched TV inside. One of our favorite things to do was get loaded and race the riding mower down this huge hill they have. Whenever she would ask us what we were doing out there, we'd tell her we were helping with the chores. What's really terrible is that she believed that we wanted to spend out summer nights mowing her yard and would pay us like ten bucks a week to come by.

We eventually had to stop going by her house because one night while we were racing the mower we hit this huge rock that was hidden in the grass. We were going fast enough that we ripped out the whole bottom of the mower which sent us flying and caused the the mower to roll down the rest of the hill. It was loud enough that the neighbors called the cops and the cops said that they knew what we were doing and if they caught us in the back yard again, they’d bust us for Minor in Possession, Possession of a Controlled Substance and we’d all lose our licenses until the day we turned 21.]

Privately I feared the worst. Ever since the Klein boy’s struggle with heroin took him from us a few years ago, I’ve often wondered if the same fate was in store for my dear nephew. But seeing Ben I’m happy to say that my fears were unfounded. He’s much too fat to be messed up with those drugs. I think we’re all relieved, even if he doesn’t have time for his old aunt.

That’s been our year. I hope this year finds you in good spirits and health.

Emma.